CT SCAN and Results Day

Days like these when I first wake up it seems like a great day. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, everything seems peaceful. Then a minute later reality hits me like a brick wall..........Today is CT Scan day for Drew. Usually the doctors makes us wait for the results for a week and the suspense is just about torture but today he has asked Drew to come straight to his office after the CT Scan is done. In a way it is better to find out in the same day what's going on but I'm still sick to my stomach, little butterflies fluttering around. Only hope is that for once there will be something positive. Cancer is like a roller coaster, there are ups and there are downs. Its been almost a year since Drew's last surgery, almost a year since this nightmare began again for this young 26 year old man.
November 2006, Drew began to feel a lot more pain and sick all the time. While in Northern Canada for work he began to feel really ill and realized something wasn't right. He went to the doctors and there they found a teratoma tumor that looked to be wrapped around the aorta. In June they decided to operate to remove the tumor and replace the aorta with veins from Drew's legs.
Last August 2007, on a Monday I drove at 4:30 AM to meet Drew and his family at his parents' house. We all drove to University of Michigan Hospital in a caravan. Drew drove with his brother, his mom and I in my car, his two sisters in their car, and his dad at the end. It was the first time I had ever been to U of M Hospital. I remember coming around the curve along Gettys Rd. and the hospital popping up from no where like a magnificent castle. The day was kind of fuzzy, this was a different world for me. Drew had to be there at 5:30 AM to get prepped for surgery. I didn't want to let go with that last hug I gave him before he went back to be prepped. They said that they would come get us and take us back to see him one last time before the surgery after he was ready. It was only suppose to be about 15 minutes to half hour but lasted maybe an hour or so but we did eventually get to go see him. It was the most surreal thing ever. A bunch of beds in a circle with other patients getting prepped for their surgeries. I just wanted to get through the fog and see Drew. He looked really pale and small, I was scared to touch him but I gave him a hug and told him I would see him soon. The doctors said that the surgery would take about 20 hours because it was part cardiac surgery with replacing his aorta. We were all prepared to stay the whole 20 hours until we knew Drew was safe. We all thought after this surgery Drew would be free and after recovery he could get back to his life.
In the waiting room, my stomach was in knots. I didn't know if I wanted to cry or scream. His mom kept telling me to sleep but there was no way I could do that. So I sat there like a stone, well I remember shaking a lot too. We all occupied ourselves by reading books, magazines, exploring the hospital, using the internet etc. Drew's sister in law brought up his little niece to visit us too, that was a nice little break. The doctors came out a few times to let his family know how things were progressing. I missed them both times. About 6 hours into the surgery, I finally started to settle and get a little sleepy. That's when the receptionist came up to all of us and told us that the doctor would like to meet with us to talk. We all piled into this room that looked like a tinier waiting room. All I remember thinking is its too soon, its only been 6 hours and the surgery is suppose to be 20 hours. The only person I remember in the room was Drew's little sister. She was standing in the corner to the front left of me. She looked as if she were holding up that wall but really that wall was probably the only support she had. The doctor came into the room, gloggle marks still fresh on his face. He looked exhausted and beaten. This wasn't good. He started talking but his words rushed together for me, I didn't understand a word. Then they all started to come togehter. There was another tumor they found in Drew's bowel. They couldn't cut it out without taking 80% of Drew's bowel which meant that this 26 year old man would have to live on a feeding tube. The doctor said he would not do that to Drew so he stopped the surgery. Drew had more cancer. But they didn't need to replace his aorta they were able to get that tumor out without a problem. I remember barely making it to the elevators and his older sister and I hugging each other as we went down to the ground level. I couldn't get to fresh air quick enough. I called my mom and lost it. Reality was sinking in and I was so scared. What did this all mean..................
About an hour after the surgery we were all allowed to go see Drew. All I remember thinking the minute I saw him was he was alive and through the sad news we just received I felt happy because I was still looking at Drew, he was still here. Very groggy and in a lot of pain but he was still breathing. His mom and I stayed in the room with him for a little bit. I saw some very interesting and scary tubes being taken out of him. But it was all worth it. That first day I stayed the whole night. The waiting room couches weren't all that bad to sleep on. We were allowed to go sit with him. He figured out that he had cancer and the doctors came and talked with him about options, chemo. It was all still new for everyone so there weren't any answers. He was in recovery for a week, I took that week off of work, and was at the hospital everyday, all day and sometimes stayed the night. I felt better being there then a half hour away. The first week, pain was the main issue, they really couldn't get a hold on the pain.
After a week of Drew being home the swelling in his legs never went down. The doctors told his parents to get him to the hospital right away. He had multiple blood clots throughout his legs. They also found that the tumor was getting bigger. They would have to start chemo right away. The cancer that Drew has now was identified as Rhabdomyosarcoma.
It's been almost a year and a few different chemos later and now he is in a clincial trial at U of M. Today is the first CT Scan in about a month or so and since he started the clincial trial. Every CT scan I get the same feeling I did that day of his surgery. Butterflies in my stomach and walking in a haze but the one thing that keeps me going is Drew is still here.